It’s not even been three whole days since I’ve started making an effort at studying and I’m already in THAT phase – the phase which dawned during the last thirty one days when I was preparing for this very same exam last year in June. And honestly, I’m a little worried already.
Last May, when I realized that my butt was on fire and I really needed to buck up (I can’t believe I actually was able to achieve it, but) I studied for around twelve hours each day. The worst part of the whole deal was that I was so shit scared, worried, and anxious that I was unable to sleep. Yes, unable! How? Don’t even ask!
I used to be so mentally exhausted from reading pages after pages all night and most of the day that by the end of it, my brain used to say, Close your books RIGHT NOW whereas I knew that if I didn’t study then I wouldn’t be able to complete the syllabus. I originally planned on sleeping for six hours a day; from five thirty in the morning to around eleven thirty. But I started feeling drowsy from around four thirty in the morning and I tackled that by drinking at least two huge cups of coffee during the night – the first one around 1:30 AM and the other one between 3:30 and 4:00 AM.
You would think that when I finally did close my books and I would be asleep the minute I tucked myself in. But I surprised myself by tossing and turning with my eyes shut for at least an hour before I fell asleep. I would plan the targets for the next day, think about what I would do once the exams got over, go back to something I’d read a few hours ago and ponder over it, and think about a million other things that, honestly, could wait a few weeks. And before I knew it, it was time for me to wake up!!!
I discussed it with a few people and it was diagnosed as anxiety, almost perfectly. And now, I’m right back into that phase so early in the course that I’m worried about what’s going to happen in the next two months that are still left, during which the intensity with which I’m studying is only going to increase.
Even last night (early this morning around three) when I decided it was time to close my books and get some sleep (which I’m almost positive I’ll be losing out on the entire month of April) it was about an hour before I actually fell asleep. Miraculously, I was up by ten just in time to start studying.
It’s not that bad yet, but last night when I lay with my eyes closed, trying to fall asleep and realized that I couldn’t, I got nostalgic and started to think about all that’s about to follow in the next two months. And I sighed.
There’s a lot more, and this time, I’m going to keep all of you updated as and when I progress onto the next phases. It isn’t all that great for me, but should be able to give you all a good laugh at my state. Well, I’ll at least try to see that it does!